Instruments that are execrable

An instrument itself is hard to label as “uncool”- a subjective term that fluctuates over time. But essentially this list is based on what I wouldn’t want to tell friends it was my instrument of choice, maybe because it has a crazy name, you look like a terd when playing it or its purpose is just laughable. Generally, women want a beautiful-sounding instrument not associated with spitting or farting noises, and men want an instrument that sounds manly, require some skill to play, and is a strong, noticeable factor in the ensemble. Oh yeah, and playing it doesn’t simultaneously involve wearing a skirt.

French Horn

This one seems to have a lot of unnecessary tubage. It tries too hard to pump itself up as being fancy and prestigious that it just seems arrogant. Geez, a conceited instrument that you need to stick your hand into it's spitty hole to get it to play various notes is grotesque.  

Bassoon

A bassoon sounds fat. I don’t know why, but it does. Especially for a woman, who wants to sound graceful and definitely doesn’t care for being fat. Plus the thing’s got two bodies to it, so it’s kind of awkward and difficult to handle. That’s real graceful.

 

Accordion

There really should be an age bracket for those allowed to play the accordion, say, 65 plus. It seems abnormal for someone under that age to be playing something with a half a keyboard on one end connected to a pad of random buttons on the other by something called bellows. I mean you have to have some life experience to be able to handle such a thing.

Banjo

Who knew that the banjo was developed by African slaves in the American South to pass the time and preserve their African culture after a day of working on the plantation? And nowadays, the whitest of folks are using it while drunk at a bar somewhere in rural nowhere having a gay olde time.

Recorder

This should be reserved for children as a plastic toy. If you try to pawn yourself off as being so skilled that you have mastered the recorder, plan on losing all respect immediately.

Oboe

No amateur should ever attempt to play the oboe in public. Not only will they humiliate themselves by having chipmunk cheeks and making a sound resembling a bird call, they will also proceed to spit over everyone watching them. How attractive.

Bagpipes

This one’s a given. The skirt (or kilt) and knee socks are required. You have to either be in Europe or at some European festival to get away with playing the bagpipes.

Piccolo (for men)

How very unmasculine a piccolo is. The guy who won World’s Strongest Man couldn’t play the piccolo, one of the shrillest instruments out there, without seeming a little feminine. So all you regular guys out there, I wouldn’t try this unless you’re willing to risk no one ever taking you seriously again.

Tuba (for women)

A tuba is so gigantic that it will absolutely dwarf any woman under six feet tall and two hundred pounds. Plus all the buzzing that it takes to make it produce music can seriously wreak havoc on one’s lips. It’s so low and thunderous that it is quite intimidating for a male watch a female trying to play the tuba.

Harmonica

The harmonica is not an instrument to be played by just anyone. There is a certain look to the harmonica player- bluesy, shady, maybe a fedora… the whole nine yards. Attempting to play the harmonica without the look may be cause for major embarrassment.

Fiddle

The fiddle should be called a violin, unless you’re at some folk music convention. Then feel free to drop “fiddle” wherever you want. But for the rest of us, the word fiddle is not one that is particularly familiar with. We totally get playing the violin, however, so for your own sake, just suck up your pride and toss the insignificant details between “violin” and “fiddle” out the window.

Washboard

The washboard belongs to your grandma for clothes washing. Not for you to try and experiment with metallic noises. Not only that, I’ve learned that you play it wearing thimbles on your fingers. What, did you raid Grandma’s sewing closet for intruments? That just sounds cheap.

Cowbell

If you want to play percussion in the styles of herdsmen trying to keep track of the wherabouts of cows, knock yourself out.  Only cool if you are in the Blue Oyster Cult. 

Triangle

Oh man, a bar of metal shaped as a triangle. And you bang it with a wand. That is just so awesome I can’t even deal. You know what, I bet if I gave you a song to listen to containing the sounds of the triangle and asked you to identify those sounds, you wouldn’t be able to, unless you’re a triangle-ist or whatever. In that case, props to you.

Sackbut

Ok, this just has a funny name. There really isn’t a reason for it to be uncool other than it’s called a “sackbut.” But that’s reason enough, try picking up chicks by blowing out of your Sakbut.  Gross.

Bazooka

This sounds cool, considering it’s like a weapon and all, but in reality it’s basically a kazoo. A kazoo with a cool name really isn’t cool, is it?

Bugle

The only thing I ever associate with a bugle is Yankee Doodle. If you want to stick a feather in your hat and call it Macaroni, go ahead and play the bugle. But the concept of keeping your dignity while playing this is far more challenging than feather-naming. (Or is it the hat that’s named Macaroni?).

Conch

For real, someone can actually say that they play a conch? Who are they, Piggy? Conches are shells. They should be left on the beach for bizarre mating calls for birds or other beach inhabitants. 

Glockenspiel

Basically, this instrument screams, “I’m too cool to be called the xylophone, so I’m going to be a xylophone but give myself a funny name requiring one to hack up a lot of phelgm to prononounce. Aren’t I great?”

Rainstick

Unless you’re performing an ancient Indian tribal dance that has something to do with the weather, your purpose a being a rainstick-player is fairly miniscule. I guess it adds a nice sound, you know, when you flip it upside down, then right side up, and then upside down again…I know. Mad skills.